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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24435745">Kim Pine vs. the Patriarchy</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account'>orphan_account</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (2010)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/F, Fix-It, Scott is a pissbaby, fuck that guy, like for real</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 08:40:15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,451</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24435745</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Kim hates Scott Pilgrim. She’s never met someone with less of a fucking spine. When Scott stalks and harasses the new delivery girl in town, Kim offers to help her.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ramona Flowers/Kim Pine</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>65</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Kim Pine vs. the Patriarchy</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>lmao i wrote this cause my friends and were making fun of scott pilgrim. what a pissbaby. if you’re one of those guys who idolizes him, this isn’t the fic for you. go reevaluate your life and then come back.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Scott Pilgrim is dating a highschooler?” Kim asks, arms crossed. “How old are you now, Scott, like 28?” He was only 22 and she knew it, but that didn’t make it any less gross. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not playing your little games, kids.” He said. Kim fought back the urge to vomit.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So you’ve been out of highschool like 13 years.” She’s fucking with him, but there’s real anger behind her words. Her friends are being gross and encouraging him. The doorbell rings.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s Knives. She laughs awkwardly and says hi.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You promise to be good?” Kim violently gags at what Scott says. This is why she hates men. Knives is actually very sweet, and Kim feels bad for her. She starts the drums and lets herself vibe with them. Fuck Scott, he’s not worth the effort. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Later, her friends compliment him. “Scott if your life had a face I would punch it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. Wait, what?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean, are you really happy or are you really evil?” Her fists shake a little with rage but it feels good to say.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Like, do I have ulterior motives or something? I’m offended, Kim.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wounded, even?” God, watching his confused face is cathartic. He changes the subject.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Scott says there’s a new Amazon delivery girl. Her name is Ramona Flowers. Scott is in love with her. Kim wants to strangle him with her bare hands.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kim first runs into Ramona when she’s at the record store. She doesn’t buy anything but she’s bored so she talks to Julie. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And there she was, on rollerblades. Kim knew who she was immediately, Scott didn’t shut up about her and no one else could match that description. Kim stared at her, because, damn. She, like most women, was too good for Scott Pilgrim. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kim,” Julie said, “Hey, Kim” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hm?” Kim came back to reality.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can you move out of the way so I can take the package please?” Julie took on her annoyed tone, usually reserved for Scott, or annoying customers. Kim flushed red and stepped out of the way. Ramona smiled at her and leaned against the counter.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m Ramona,” She says.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kim,” The other girl replies, sticking her hand out. Ramona looks down, kind of surprised, but smiles and shakes it anyway. Kim might die on the spot. She’s too gay for this shit.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Here you go,” Julie signs for the package and the moment breaks. Ramona thanks her and stands up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nice to meet you, Kim.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kim dies on the spot.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They go to Julie’s party, and Scott does not stop bitching. Kim might crush her cup in her hand. God what a fucking loser. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She watches him slide up to her, definitely in her personal space. She rolls her eyes hard enough to run herself over when he starts talking about fucking Pac-Man. He says it to every girl he meets. Ramona watches him talk, not unlike the way an adult would humor a child. It makes sense, Scott </span>
  <em>
    <span>is</span>
  </em>
  <span> a child in almost every sense of the word. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. That’s amazing.” Ramona says, and Kim decides she loves her already. She brushes him off and he stalks her for the rest of the night. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Scott, I forbid you from hitting on Ramona Flowers.” Kim would die for Julie.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kim gets an email the next day. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dear Miss Pine, it has come to my attention that we will be fighting soon. My name is Matthew Patel. Fair warning. This is a duel to the death.” She figures it’s spam and deletes it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>At band practice she learns they’re in the battle of the bands. She feels nothing, her heart hasn’t been in it for years. Knives is so supportive of Scott, and Kim wants to kick him in the guts for it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Scott harasses Ramona into hanging out with him. Kim finds out about it when she’s talking to Julie at the record store again. Ramona stopped by.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, Ramona.” Julie said, leaning on the counter, “What’s up?” Kim turned to look at her and felt her organs freak out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothin’ much,” The girl shrugged, “This guy hounded me into hanging out with him later.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oh no. “What?” Kim curled her hand into a fist. Julie pretended not to notice which was very nice of her. They both knew </span>
  <em>
    <span>exactly</span>
  </em>
  <span> who it was.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah he hit on me when I delivered a package to his house. He wouldn’t sign for it until I agreed to go,” She frowned uncomfortably, “It was weird.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck, man. Do you need an out?” Kim offered, </span>
  <em>
    <span>please say yes, Jesus Christ, Scott Pilgrim is such a fucking creep</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ramona’s eyes light up, “For real?” Kim’s brain short circuits for a second.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, dude. This guy sounds like a fucking creep.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you so much, he wants to hang out at 8 tonight at some park. Honestly I thought they’d be fishing me out of the river tomorrow.” Ramona laughed and looked down at the package in her hands, “Oh sorry, here’s your stuff.” She sets it down on the counter.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So you wanna go to a bar or something?” Kim asks, trying to sound chill. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was thinking more like dinner,” Ramona smiles, taking her pen and tablet back from Julie. Kim feels like a hoard of butterflies have taken residence in her guts. Ramona takes a sticky note and pen from Julie’s counter and scribbles something.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure,” Kim stutters, as Ramona puts the paper in her hand. She takes it without thinking about it. When Ramona leaves, she looks down at the paper to see a phone number. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ramona, 212-664-7665, xxxxxxx</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kim, did you just cuck Scott Pilgrim?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kim totally cucked Scott Pilgrim. Well no, Scott didn’t have anything going with Ramona, so honestly she didn’t cuck anyone. And even if he did, she doesn’t owe him shit. Fuck that guy. She sat in a booth, trying not to watch the door. Ramona sits across from her and Kim focuses on her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey,” Ramona says, leaning with her elbows on the table.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey,” Kim looks down awkwardly, fidgeting with her hands. They talk lightly for a while, before Kim asks, “So what brings you here?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just needed to escape I guess.” She took a sip of water, “I don’t really want to get into it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kim has the better sense to drop it. It goes smoothly from there, and Ramona invites her back to her apartment.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What kind of tea do you want?” Ramona kicks off her boots, Kim sits at her table.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you have?” She asks awkwardly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We have,” Ramona trails off and opens the cupboard, “Blueberry, raspberry, ginseng, Sleepytime, green tea, green tea with lemon, green tea with honey, green tea with lemon and honey…” Kim is mesmerized and doesn’t think about her answer, “and Earl Grey. I think I’ll have Sleepytime.” Ramona looks at her expectantly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shit, “That sounds good to me,” Kim says, and Ramona smiles. She offers her a blanket.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, um, where’s your bathroom?” Kim asks, worried she might freak out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just down the hall, you can come into my room when you’re done.” Ramona smiles and disappears down the hallway. Kim thanks her, going to the bathroom to calm down. She throws some water on her face and breathes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>After she dries her face she heads to Ramona’s room. She opens the door. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ramona is standing with her shirt off. She turns, “Dude, I’m changing.” Kim forgot to knock, </span>
  <em>
    <span>fuck</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shit, sorry,” Kim goes to turn around and the lights shut off. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you cold?” Ramona asks in the dark. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kim shivers, “A little,” She hears movement and it’s warmer suddenly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Better?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, what is that?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The lights turn on and Ramona stands in front of her. She smiles, and kisses her. Kim feels like she’s falling, and kisses back. She might melt right here in Ramona’s bedroom. Kim shivers, and Ramona laughs.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You still cold?” She asks softly, pulling away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“A little,” Kim admits, blushing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ramona takes her onto her bed, pulling her into another kiss, deeper this time. She takes Kim’s shirt off, sitting on her lap and holding her face in her hands. Kim could die right now and be happy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Suddenly Ramona pulls back, “I,” She pauses, “I don’t actually want to have sex tonight, are you down to just lay here?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah of course,” Kim smiles. Ramona smiles back and stands up. She comes back a few minutes later with fresh tea. They sit in her bed and talk softly, leaving the mugs on the bedside table when they’re empty. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When they’re walking out the next morning, Kim admits she wants to see her again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you up to tonight?” Ramona asks, leaning on her fence. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, I have a show at the Rockit, I don’t like the band I’m in but there’s probably some cool people.” Kim answers bashfully. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cool. See you at the show, Kim Pine.” She skates away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wow, you totally came!” Scott marvels when Ramona walks in.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I’m here for Kim actually.” And Ramona promptly crushes his dreams as Kim pushes past him to greet her. Scott freezes with his mouth hanging open, and he looks completely betrayed. Kim ignores him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey,” Kim smiles, “What’s up?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ramona’s gaze softens as she turns to Kim, “Nothin’. What about you?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothin’.” Kim laughs, Ramona steps closer to her and hangs her arms around the shorter girl’s neck. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Scott run away. She ignores it, and moves her hands down to hold Ramona’s waist. They stand like that until Stephen calls her in for a band meeting. She rolls her eyes and tells Ramona she’ll see her later.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She sits at the drum kit, looking up at Ramona on the balcony. They smile at each other, and Kim cuts off Stephen by starting the drums. Kim gets into it, enjoying the feeling of Ramona watching her. They’re about halfway through the song when someone busts a whole in the roof.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Miss Pine,” The guy shouts as he flies toward the stage. He lands, and Kim has to fight back a snort when she looks at him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It is I, Matthew Patel!” Oh yeah, spam email, “Consider our fight, begun!” Oh fuck. She glances up at Ramona and notices the smile fall off the other girl’s face. Kim felt herself get angry, she didn’t know who the fuck this asshole was but he seemed like a bitch. Kim stands up from her drum set.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And she punches him straight in the jaw. Ramona looks shocked from the balcony and Kim smiles to herself. Matthew lands on his feet, and monologues again. She wasn’t interested until he mentioned Ramona.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She didn’t feel like waiting and kicked him in the chest. She looked up at Ramona and motioned for her to meet her outside. She steps out into the cold night air.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ramona busts out the door after about a minute. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey what the fuck?” Kim asked, and Ramona hugged her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sighing, she said “That’s my ex boyfriend,” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why’s he here?” Kim asks, concerned. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, I guess,” She sighs again, “If we’re gonna date you may have to defeat my seven evil exes.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Ramona looked down, she seemed sad, “My ex boyfriend Gideon formed a league of my exes and now whenever I try to date someone, he sends them after me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fucking what?” Kim holds Ramona’s face, “Are you okay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She seemed surprised, like people didn’t usually react this way, “I—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, let’s go back to my place and we can figure this out.” Kim says, dropping her hands from her face. She takes her hand and they set off to her apartment.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, so your ex boyfriend has been sending people to attack anyone you try to date?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And he can just </span>
  <em>
    <span>do</span>
  </em>
  <span> that?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Apparently.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kim scoffs, “What the fuck man, I’m sorry that shit’s happening to you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay,” She laughs quietly, “I’m sorry all my exes are going to attack you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nah, we’ll figure this shit out.” Kim says, sure of herself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well logically if we just go for Gideon the rest will stop, right?” Kim thinks out loud, looking at the ceiling for answers.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Huh. Yeah I guess so.” Ramona says, leaning forward.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well fuck it, let’s just go beat him up.” Kim laughs, looking at Ramona. She laughs too, taking her hands and pulling her up from the kitchen chair. Kim leads her to her bedroom.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She’s not surprised when she turns up to band practice and Scott is glaring holes into the back of her head when he thinks she isn’t looking. What a fucking pissbaby.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He </span>
  <em>
    <span>is</span>
  </em>
  <span> surprised when she tells him she’s quitting the band. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She ends up putting together her own band when she finds out that Julie and Ramona both sing and play guitar themselves. When Scott breaks up with Knives, Kim asks her to be the bassist. Knives had never played but she was excited to learn. So they formed their band and entered themselves in the battle. Which is where Kim meets Gideon.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He showed up to the final round. He looked like he had just been coughed up by a cat. Kim hated him immediately, gripping her drumsticks and walking up to him. She put them in her back pocket and rolled up her sleeves. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey,” She caught his attention, grounding herself with her arms crossed. He turned and smirked at her, what a fucking douchebag. She hated this fucking creep, it was beyond her how he hasn’t gotten a restraining order against him yet. But she curls her fingers into a fist and clocks him in the jaw, sending him back into his gang of gross businessmen. The venue goes silent. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He stands, pulling out a katana. His whole vibe makes sense to her now, he was a weeb. This new knowledge just makes her more determined to curbstomp his sorry ass, and she draws a dagger she picked up earlier. She knew this was coming. Ramona looks scared, and Kim hates it. Fuck this guy, sending motherfuckers after her just because she dumped this manipulative piece of shit. She doesn’t even wait, she just plunges the dagger into his chest. Fuck it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It feels good, having gotten rid of him. He was a stalker, an abuser, a fucking creep. She did the world a damn favor getting rid of this guy. Ramona looks weirdly calm, but she runs up and hugs Kim tightly. Kim puts her hand on her back. They leave the club, knowing full well no one would report them. Kim flips off Scott Pilgrim, that whiny bitch, on their way out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fuck that guy.</span>
</p>
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